At the beginning of 2019, God had revealed to me my word for the year which would serve to guide my actions and be an area of growth for me. At the time, I was not excited to learn that my word for 2019 would be surrender. For someone who struggled with control, this would be a huge area of growth. Approximately six months after learning my word for the year, God began the process of refining my life's dream. Up to that point in time, my mind was set on what I wanted for my life's work.
In mid 2019, I was sure of becoming an independent iOS Developer. There was so much I had already planned out in my mind. The only thing I did not know at the time, was how to get from here to there. How do I get from where I was then to a successful career as an independent iOS Developer. This was the great unknown.
So when God upended my plans with a new dream for my life, all I wanted to do was to wake up knowning this was just some kind of bad dream. As an independent iOS Developer, I did not have to depend on or get the approval of anyone else but God and my family. I relate a lot to what I believe Abram was feeling in Genesis 12:1, when God told him "...Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you." God really did not give Abram any clues where He was sending him. We don't really hear Abram's side of the story. We do not hear what Abram was thinking. It was essentially God telling him, I have a new dream for your life.
The Challenges Ahead
When God showed me this new dream for my life, I was completely taken aback. Not only was this basically throwing out all that I had known for the past ten years, pursuing this dream would mean facing some of my greatest fears. This new dream would mean going back into a similar type of environment which had caused me great trauma years ago. Pursuing this dream, would mean I would need to get hired into a position I felt unqualified to hold. Pursuing this dream would mean facing huge challenges and would require a lot of faith.
Much Faith Required
Prior to this dream, the plans I had for my life required faith, but it was the kind of faith I was comfortable with. The great unknown at the time was largely doable for me. Not having a successful product(s) to provide a living for my family was the type of uncomfortable I was okay with. It was scary, but I had seen God provide many times in the midst of scary.
The Faith to Make Sense of My Past
Upon finding out that this new dream would include working for an organization, the fear began to set in. Would I fall right back into the same place as before? How would this organization be different? How do I ensure that I do not repeat my past? What had lead to the challenges of my past office jobs? Not knowing the answers, I wanted to figure this out.
The Faith to Risk Being Labeled An Imposter
As an indie, you are required to do a lot on your own. One day you might need to act as the accountant, the next you might need to play project manager, and the next you are developing your app. But there's no one there to ask if you are qualified to do the job. There's no one telling you whether you get the job or not. There's no one there to prove you are an imposter. The only person preventing you from your dream is largely yourself.
So here I am eleven and a half months into learning to surrender. My calendar tells me it is time for my word for 2020, but I feel grossly behind in learning to surrender.